


I'm lost in shadows of my own

by WolfKomoki



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Episode: s03e14 On My Way, Gen, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Sebastian Smythe Needs a Hug, Self-Exile, Slurs, Therapy, gay slur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 02:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfKomoki/pseuds/WolfKomoki
Summary: After finding out about David Karofsky's attempted suicide, Sebastian's depression returns, and he returns to Paris. Everyone was better off if they never saw him again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Glee is owned by Fox. Italics mean that French is being spoken.

         Sebastian packs his belongings from the dorm in his bag, only taking what airport security would allow. After Dave's suicide attempt, Sebastian began to feel emotionally numb: a sign that his depression had returned. He'd spent five years, starting with sixth grade until tenth grade in Paris feeling nothing emotionally. He'd spent years in therapy, but he still didn't feel anything, until he returned to the states and had to repeat his Sophomore year. His emotions returned for the first time in five years, and he loved it.

         Now, that emotional numbness was back, and he'd bought a plane ticket. He was going back to Paris, and they would never have to see his sorry ass again. _Look at what you did Sebastian. You caused someone to try to take his own life. You're disgusting. Everyone is better off without seeing you._ The voice in his head spats, and it was right. He'd called a small meeting in Lima, and that's when he walks there, bag on his shoulder as he sits. He didn't want that stupid coffee, not this time.

         "Let me break it down for you. From one bitch to another, all of this vicious, underhanded, crap has got to stop." Santana says. Sebastian looks at her.

         "Exactly. That's why I called you here." He says without any emotion in his voice.

         "First of all, Blaine _I am sorry_ about your eye." Sebastian says. Blaine scoffs.

         "That means _nothing_ to me." He growls.

         "Okay, that's fair. I have no excuses, other than a lame prank got completely out of control." Sebastian sighs. Kurt raises an eyebrow.

         "Second, the Finn photos have all been destroyed. I want the Warblers to win fair and square, and we're gonna take donations for Lady Gaga's Born this way foundation. Win, Lose, or Draw, we're gonna dedicate our performance to David Karofsky." He adds. He thumbs the ticket in his pocket.

         "And, you'll never have to see me again." He adds. Blaine and Kurt stared at him. They'll never have to see him again? The hell was that supposed to mean?

         "What?" Kurt asks with confusion.

         "For too long, I have treated everything, like a big joke." Sebastian sighs. He looks at them.

         "It's all fun and games, _till it's not_." He finally says. He didn't give them a chance to react before he walks out of the building, and makes his way to the airport. Five weeks have passed since then, and Sebastian hasn't been seen since.

Sebastian slowly walks into his mom's house, and sighs. When he was in the sixth grade, Richard had found out that he had a crush on a boy in his class, and he was pissed. He still remembers what happened that day.

Sebastian had just gotten home from school when he sees Richard's angry face looking back at him.

         _"You're disgusting. You have a crush on a boy? You're nothing but a faggot. You have one hour to pack your things. After that, you're going to live in Paris with your mother." Richard spats. Sebastian didn't have to be told twice as he goes to his room, packing as many things as he can as Richard takes him to the airport, and buys him a ticket to Paris._ Five years have passed since then, and Sebastian had managed to get a citizenship in Paris.

When Sebastian returned to the states, he ended up as a Sophomore due to the schooling difference.

         Sebastian was older than most of the students there. They were only sixteen while he was seventeen. Well, if there was a bright side to all of this, it was the fact that he was in Paris voluntarily this time. It was amazing how easily he was able to slip back into French, especially since Charlotte doesn't speak English. Sebastian sighs and walks into the kitchen. Once he was there, he opens the fridge, slowly getting some leftovers out as he sits at the table. Once he sits at the table, he was greeted by Charlotte.

         " _Morning Sebastian_." She greets. Sebastian looks at her.

         " _Morning_." He greets. When Charlotte met Sebastian at the airport, she could tell that something had happened back in the states. For one thing, his eyes were just…dead. Another was the fact that he barely said a word the whole ride from the airport. Even now Sebastian hadn't smiled, not even once.

Another thing was the fact that Sebastian had lost interest in music, or hell even singing in general. She's also noticed that he's been sleeping more than usual lately. When Sebastian was asleep, Charlotte decided to go onto her computer and started doing research. Eventually she found an article on depression, and suddenly it made sense. She decided to talk to him about it the next day.

         " _Sebastian honey, I really think we need to talk to someone about your depression_." Charlotte insists.

" _What like a shrink? Thanks, but no thanks_." Sebastian protests.

" _Honey, please. You need help. Please do this for me._ " Charlotte pleads.

         " _Fine, but only for you_." Sebastian sighs. The last thing he wanted was some stranger in a foreign country judging him for the things that he's done.

It was about a week later when Sebastian walks into his appointment for the first time. Sebastian felt nervous, but he promised Charlotte that he'd do this.  After what felt like an eternity, the doctor finally shows up.

         " _Please, have a seat._ " The doctor insists. Sebastian nods and sits down.

         " _So, I have it on file here that you came here because your mom insisted, is that correct?_ "  The doctor asks.

         " _Yes, that's right."_ Sebastian answers.

" _And how have you been feeling Sebastian?_ "  The doctor asks. Sebastian frowns.

" _I haven't._ " He answers. He watches as the doctor scribbles something in a notebook.

" _How do you mean_?" The doctor asks.

" _I just don't feel emotions. I haven't in five weeks._ " He sighs.

" _And when did this start?_ " The doctor asks.

" _The first time it happened was when I was in the sixth grade. My father had found out that I was gay and he forced me to move to Paris and live with my mother. For five years my emotions were just gone. They came back when I moved back to the states, but now they're gone again._ " Sebastian informs.

" _And why are you back in Paris?_ " The doctor asks. Sebastian winces.

         " _I… I'm a terrible person. I… I caused someone to try to take their own life because of the things I said to them. I also photoshopped pictures of a student to make it look like they were naked, and in pumps. Also, I put rock salt in a slush and I threw it in someone's face, which ended up almost blinding them._ " He recalls.

         " _And how have you been sleeping?_ "  The doctor asks.

         " _I've been sleeping a lot more lately. I'm just so tired all the time._ " Sebastian sighs.

" _And when was the last time you did something you enjoyed?_ " The doctor asks. Sebastian looks at the name plate on the table. Dr. Babineux.

" _I don't know. I used to like music and singing, but lately I've lost interest in it."_ He answers. Dr. Babineux nods.

" _How's your appetite?"_ He asks.

" _It's not good. It's like I have to force myself to eat. Food feels disgusting to me."_ Sebastian answers.

" _I'm going to put you on some anti-depressants. I want you to come back in three weeks and tell me how you feel_."  Dr. Babineux insists. Sebastian nods as he goes to the main room.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Five weeks, it’s been five weeks, and no one has seen, or heard from Sebastian. Blaine could barely concentrate on what they were doing at Glee club, not when his friend was still missing. When they announced that they were doing original songs this week, Blaine smiled at that a bit. When he sings this at sectionals, he hopes that somehow, Sebastian hears it. He was currently in his room, writing down the lyrics for the song he was going to sing.

“ _I remember your smile_

_I remember your laugh_

_I remember your voice_

_It’s been a while since I saw you_

_How have you been?_

_Are you alright?_

_Where are you?_

_How did I not realize_

_That you needed me?_

_How did I not realize that you_

_were hurting?_

_Did you even think twice?_

_When you left me?_

_Hey, you_

_I still remember you_

_Do you remember me?_

_Hey, you_

_I can’t stay mad at you_

_I miss you too much_

_Hey, you_

_What were you thinking?_

_When you left us?_

_Hey, you_

_I don’t hate you_

_I never have_

_So, hey you_

_Come back to me_ ” He wrote. Blaine sighs and starts singing the lyrics. He sings slow at first, until he gets to the chorus, and that’s when he lets out some power. He was angry with Sebastian for leaving. _Why did you have to leave without saying goodbye? Why couldn’t you at least tell me where you took off?_

When Blaine finishes the song, he sighs and tries to call Sebastian. His eyes widened when he hears the following: “ _We’re sorry, the number you have reached has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again_.”

Blaine’s blood boiled upon hearing that message. _Sebastian shut off his phone number? Damn it Sebastian!_

         Blaine sighs and opens the Skype app, silently pleading that Sebastian didn’t get rid of his Skype too. Blaine sighs with relief when he sees a green dot on Sebastian’s profile. Blaine stares at the call button for a while, thinking about what he was going to say before he started the call. Whatever he ends up saying, he _cannot_ allow himself to yell at Sebastian. He wants to get him back, not keep him from coming back. It was only 10:06 A.M., but Blaine didn’t care. He needs to talk to Sebastian, he needs to try to get him back.

         In Paris, it was 4:06 P.M, and Sebastian has been staring at old pictures that he had of him and Blaine for a while now. Sebastian was startled when his phone tells him that Blaine had logged onto Skype. When Sebastian sees that notification, he sighs. How would he have felt about this if he still _had_ emotions? Would he feel sadness, happiness, anger, joy, fear? Sebastian’s eyes widened when he sees that Blaine was trying to start a video call.

         He sighs and hits the red phone button. He can’t talk to Blaine, not like this. He doesn’t want him to see just how much he isn’t like _himself_ anymore. The old Sebastian Smythe was gone, and he didn’t know how to get him back.

He felt bad for hanging up on Blaine, but he knew that he can’t be the same Sebastian Smythe that Blaine knew, not really. The old Sebastian was a person with emotions, who didn’t feel _sick_ every time he ate food, who didn’t spend all his time sleeping because it was an escape, who didn’t feel worthless, who wasn’t dead inside, while everyone else was living. The old Sebastian loved anything to do with music, which is why he joined the Glee club in the first place. The old Sebastian Smythe was a stranger, and Sebastian didn’t know how to get him back.

         Sebastian blinks when he sees an IM from Blaine. _Sebastian, please talk to me._

He sighs. Clearly Blaine wasn’t going to let this go. He sighs and decides to chat with him on a video chat.

“Why? You and I both know that everyone is better off with me gone.” Sebastian asks.

“No, that’s not _true_ Sebastian!” Blaine shouts.

Sebastian scoffs.

“ _How_ is that not true? I nearly _blinded you_ for one thing. Also, I blackmailed Rachel. Lastly, you haven’t forgotten about _Karofsky_ have you? I caused that.” He reminds him. Blaine sighs.

“That had _nothing_ to do with you. Karofsky has been dealing with a lot of shit, _none of which_ had to do with you.” He says, trying his best to get through to him.

         Sebastian scoffs. That was bullshit and he knew it.

“Bull fucking _shit_ Blaine. I was _part_ of the reason and you know it.” He growls. Blaine sighs. He was starting to lose his patience.

“What can I say that will _convince you_? It’s been _five weeks_ man. Where the hell are you?” Blaine asks.

Sebastian thinks for a while before saying anything.

“Why do you _care_ so much?” He asks, his voice breaking.

“You’re my _friend_ Sebastian. I miss you.” Blaine answers. Sebastian sighs.

“You shouldn’t. You _really fucking shouldn’t_.” He says, the emotion in his voice just gone.

“Well, too bad, _I do_. _Please_ Sebastian, where are you?” Blaine pleads.

“I can’t tell you.” Sebastian sighs. Blaine sighs and adjusts the camera so he’s closer to the screen.

“Whatever is going on, you don’t have to hide yourself away from everyone. Whatever it is, I’ll _be here_ for you. I can _help you_ with whatever it is, that you’re going through that’s keeping you away from everyone.” Blaine informs.

Sebastian thinks about that for a while. He wanted to come back to the states, oh God did he _want to_ , but he can’t help but think back on everything that he did back in the states. He sighs and hangs up the call, sending Blaine a message.

_I’m in Paris. Don’t come find me. I mean it. You know everyone would be better off, if they never saw me again._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> For those wondering, I did do research for this fic. Sebastian could apply for Citizenship after living in Paris for five years.


End file.
